Pearls of Widom

Yesterday was a really strange day for me.

While it had a notable start (sex in the morning really can't be scoffed at), the day sort of petered out from there. One would think that starting the day with the horizontal mambo would mean only exceptional things for the hours ahead. But strangely, it didn't. It was as though there was not going to be anything else noteworthy for the rest of the day, so the day kind of crumbled in on itself.

And my mood followed suite. By evening, I felt like I had had my life force drained out of me. There was no more oomph. No fresh air. Just heaviness. And tiredness. And a real absence of inspiration.

To make matters worse, I had stumbled upon some overly cheerful optimist's column that afternoon which lauded finding beauty in every day. Cherishing every breath. Looking for something miraculous during your waking hours. Of course I wanted to vomit, but that would have meant that I'd have to clean up, so to save myself the trouble, I didn't. But I wanted to.

By the time 9pm rolled along, I was ready to sign off. Finito. This chick was emotionally bankrupt. So I made my apologies and fell into my bed, where, just by the way, I felt happier than I had ALL day long (except that first part, where we were riding the five legged pony, but it had been so long ago, that it didn't really count anymore).

So, new day. And when I opened my eyes, I wondered how it would be any different to its predecessor. Well, for a start, I did not rock the casbah. Disappointing.

"Hmmph," I thought to myself, "Beauty in every day, huh? I still have to make the sarmies that I didn't do last night." I pulled myself up and started the day.

By the time the school run was complete, I found myself at home tending to some important matters - the things that I didn't look at when they arrived, and while they had been conveniently forgotten about, the rascals had been getting up to all kinds of antics of their own and had multiplied copiously. I had to tend to many of them this morning because little baby matters were starting to pop up between the important matters - and that's just messy.

One of the important matters required me to get my hands dirty in the garden. I stripped off the oh-so-impressive school-visiting attire and donned the more appropriate garden-tramp uniform with socks-in-crocs. I looked fabulous! Off I went.

An hour later I trudged mud through the house (which I had to clean up - oh joy! beauty in top-soil! and other such jubilant crap).

As I prepared to revive the school-visiting goddess look I had mustered up before, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. My mud-bedecked dirt-bus image reflected in the mirror. And I realised the moment of beauty. I hadn't taken off my pearls when I'd changed earlier. And there I was: filthy, stinky, and wearing pearls. It was one of those life-defining moments that you try and share with people but know that no-one could possibly get it because they weren't there at the time. Something like what I'm doing right now.

But it mattered to me.

And I think that I will always garden in my pearls from now on.

Fortune favours the Ordinary

Yesterday I watched the nimble fingers of a friend as she created a culinary masterpiece. She set about it so non-chalantly and effectively. As she worked we chatted. She didn't skip a beat. Never loosing the conversation thread and never missing a drop - she was inspiring.

As we chatted, I wondered about her life, about the challenges she faces every day. About her trials and her obstacles. The thought occurred to me to dig deeper than discussing diapers and light fittings.

"Are you happy?" I asked. She thought I was referring to her craft and how it was all coming together. After listening to her assess the condition of her creation, listing its various attributes, I interjected.

"No," I said. " I mean about your life - are you happy with your life?"

She thought for a moment. " I guess so. Are you?"

I wasn't really expecting her to throw it back at me, but I considered the implications for a while.

Happiness is a weather phenomenon for me. Somedays are sunny, some are partly cloudy with a chance of thundershowers. So Happiness is not a label I will stitch onto my existence. No. I have been too sad. Too worried. Too stretched. Too tired.

As I considered the question, the word that kept popping up in my mind was Lucky. I am lucky. I am so lucky to share my life with the remarkable people I do. My husband. My girls. My friends. I am lucky to live in the most beautiful city in the world. I love my home. I am lucky to have a space to decorate and fill and change and use. I am lucky to have the chance to focus my attentions on the things that are so vitally important to me. I am lucky to have my health. To have the perspective that is holding my sanity on a steady path. I am lucky to know what it feels like to be lifted from the darkness. I am lucky to have a story.

It's a good thing for me to feel like this. It's been a very long time since I could hold my head up and and smile. It's good to feel lucky. And while the happy feelings come and go with the wind, under it all I know that I am lucky.

Confessions From a Parking Lot

Let me start by saying that I'm not proud of this story. Really.

This is what happened: I had been getting things at Willowbridge. I had my card swiped at Woolies for the discounted 90 minutes free parking. Only, unbeknownst to me, I had been there a tad more than that, but didn't bother to check on my way out. I ASSUMED that I was all clear to go.

Silly me.

So there I was, pulling up to one of the two exit booms, confidently slipping my parking card into the little boom-controlling machine. And there the little boom-controlling machine was, confidently regurgitating it back at me like a baby with bad reflux.

A concerned Boom Official approached my window and asked if I had paid my card. "Er, I swiped it at Woolies????" I made sure he heard all the question marks. The Boom Official examined me briefly, decided I was harmless and mostly below average intelligence, and offered to run to the ticket machine located in the center to pay the ticket for me. Gratefully I handed him my ticket and a ten rand note, pulled up my hand brake and switched my hazard lights on - politely indicating to any departing shoppers that I had a minor problem and that they shouldn't try to pass through the boom I was blocking.

Lady in car number 1 (lets call her Exhibit A) pulls up behind me. And waits. It's apparent that she didn't see my hazards flashing. I try to catch her eye in my rear view mirror, indicating my obvious hiatus in exiting the parking lock. It takes her some time to notice that I'm not going anywhere. Eventually we lock eyes; me staring apologetically into my rear view mirror, she glaring angrily at me. With much exaggeration, she puts her car into reverse, never breaking eye contact with me and mouthing her dissatisfaction at this hinderance to her departure. She reverses. Not seeing the car that had, in the meantime, pulled up behind her (let's call that Exhibit B).

I, of course, watching Exhibit A in my rear-view mirror, had seen Exhibit B pull up behind her. I had also watched aghast as Exhibit A made ready to reverse. I had yelled "Stop Lady!" before she actually started moving, but I think she thought I was swearing back at her.

I watched helplessly as Exhibit A rammed her car into Exhibit B.

Thankfully, at this point, the Boom Official returned with my freshly paid card and was very quick in getting it active in opening the boom. As I pulled away, I looked once more in my rear-view mirror only to see Exhibit A impatiently pulling up to the second boom-controlling machine and placing her card into the awaiting slot. She had either not realised what she had just done, or was anxious to get away.

Exhibit B was exactly where we had left him only moments before. Well, not exactly. Probably about 30 cm back from where we had left him, but he looked just the same: eyes wide open, lower jaw resting on his accelerator pedal.

Now I know it wasn't all my fault, entirely, this little parking lot fender-bender. But I can't help but feel a smidgen guilty about it all. Like I should have stopped, or checked my ticket before leaving, or something.

If guilt were shoes, I'd say this is equivalent to a pair of Hi-Tecs.

The Death of the Easter Bunny and Other Misadventures in PMS

Easter Morning. Too early for sane people to have risen. An urgent little voice rouses me from my sleep. "Mommy," it demands. "You must wake up! It's Easter. And I looked outside. And the Easter Bunny HASN'T been! Is the Easter bunny even real?"

"It's too early for the Easter Bunny to have been. Go back to bed." I mumble.

Of course she doesn't. She goes to wake her sister and the two of them busy themselves with the PS2.

I roll over in bed. The man sleeping next to me has not flinched. He is immune to the early morning pleads of our offspring. I kick him in the shin.

"Here's the plan," I instruct the zombie lying before me. "We'll put all the eggs in one basket - literally. I'll get the breakfast things going and you put the choccies in a nice gift bag, take them around to the front door, ring the doorbell and the girls can find them there."

We are in agreement. The next few minutes are a jumble of pyjamas, clothing, shoes, gift bags, eggs, tissue paper and coffee. He disappears discreetly out the back door and I start a load of washing.

The doorbell rings. Unfortunately, I'm up to my elbows in er, cornflakes. I yell for the girls to get the door as my darling husband waltzes in the back door - a bead of perspiration clinging to his left eyebrow.

The girls dash to the door, struggle with the keys, open it and Lo, and behold! A beautiful gift bag lies abandoned on our doorstep. Oh the excitement! The sheer thrill of finding a treasure like this. Hastily they bring it in, giggling and chatting about what it could be and who it could be from.

Peering over their shoulders, the man of the house declares, "It's from the Easter Bunny, of course!"

"No, it isn't!" is not the response we were waiting for, but it is the one we got. The eldest child has discovered a card attached to the bag and proceeds to read it with great care: "Dear Air-Bear. Happy Birthday! From Hannah"

Silence erupts. And then the moment dissolves into utter confusion.

T-bird says, "Air-Bear, it's for you. From Hannah."

Air-Bear says, "But it's not my birthday."

Father says, "No! It's from the Easter bunny." And snatches the evil card away.

I shoot daggers at the man who, up until that point had played his role flawlessly. He gestures over their heads, "What?!?!?"

I gesture, "You die today."

I mean REALLY!!! Standing on the brink of the beauty which is childhood fantasy and the looming, neverending tide of reality and you go and do an irresponsible thing like that! Just throw it all away, why don't you! And while you're at it tell them the tooth fairy didn't react well to the Target insecticide spray and that Santa Claus died about 50 million years ago. Thank you very much, darling husband of mine!

Just Lucky, I guess

Oprah captured the idea best when she coined the phrase: "An Attitude of Grattitude".

I don't mean to sound condescending or pompous or supercilious, but I feel at moments (like this one right here) that I lead a charmed life. Sure, I don't have loads of material possessions and I'm still really behind as far as the latest and greatest technological developments go, but I genuinely feel that there is so much good in my life. So much to be grateful for. So many multi-faceted bits of magic that capture the sunlight and reflect splashes of light and love around me every day.

I know that I am lucky. I am privileged. I am fortunate.

Not in the "born-with-a-silver-spoon-in-her-mouth" kind of way. No. I am advantaged in a way that has nothing to do with class, status, career, wealth or accumulation.

The core of my great fortune rests in my little family.

My wonderful, caring, generous husband is a man who strives to protect his integrity in the face of the brutal cut-throat corporate world he is immersed in. And my two miraculous daughters flank their father; one a ray of sunshine, one an echo of moonlight. Two fantastic children who are amazing in their own right - I cannot fully comprehend how all three of these precious beings ended up in my care. I am just that fortunate.

My husband and I have just celebrated our eleventh anniversary. We are in a good place. We are friends. We talk. We embrace one another. We wait up for one another. We make each other tea. We sit quietly together - not saying anything - just being together. We laugh together. We love together. He is my king. He gets me. And I believe in him. It works for us.

My firstborn is my sunbeam. A poised and purposeful dancer. Graceful and determined. She is warm and strong. She is a bright and tenacious soul. Head-strong. Persistent. A leader. We do not always see eye-to-eye, and at times I am blinded by her brilliance, her insistence, her force. But she shines for me and I live for her. While I am warmed by her radiance, I fumble as I try to encourage her to harness the great power she possesses. Everyday my sun shines on me and I on her. We hold. We let go. We dance a complicated waltz. And while she has so much to learn about her dazzling character, I marvel at how lucky I am to witness her solar awakening.

My moonbeam child followed her sister very rapidly from the outer edges of the universe. She is a soulful, enlightened being. A thinker. A seeker. The holder of the secrets of the cosmos. An iridescent entity. My delicate moonlight sylph has an understanding of the world and what is beyond the world that far outreaches her few delicate years. She sees things. She understands things. She makes sense of things. She questions and she contemplates. And all the while her gentle spirit reaches out to those around her - a cooling hand, a soft embrace. She is beautiful empathy. The bringer of peace.

So privileged am I to have the influence of these three people in my life. I am wealthy beyond measure.

I have experienced pain. I have experienced sorrow. I have waded through misfortune. I juggle stress. I worry about money. I become annoyed. I can yell. I wish for more, for better. I doubt. I cry. I fear what the future may hold. I am just an ordinary person living an ordinary life. But I choose to see the magic in the good cards I have been dealt. And that makes all the difference.

In the Beginning

Once upon a time there was a young mother of two little girls, wife to a madly handsome and deeply devoted man. She was a midwife, by training. And so it was that this very simple yet highly complicated female ran a marriage, a home, the school run and her own business, when all of a sudden, her life went BANG! and it all came crashing to a thundering halt.

It was at this time that the young woman began to record her feelings about her life on the blank pages of a massive cyber journal which she wrote in regularly, sending her blog posts out into deep space, seeking comfort and therapy through fallible words and awkward understandings. She passed through a great sorrow, a deep sadness that engulfed her and tried to destroy her fragile world. Somehow, this young nurse found a way through the darkness, all the while journalling her travels in a blog known as The Midwife Crisis.

As time passed, the hazy edges of her life began to sharpen, and her head cleared. She took a long detailed look at her life and realised that she was no longer a midwife nor was she in crisis. And so her aptly named blog became gradually very unapt, irrelevant. And she stopped writing.

But the no-longer-a-midwife-but-seeking-her-destiny girl's heart was full of stories. Her mind played back the memories of her life: the good things, the bad things and the things that had always made her wonder. And the girl had an aching need to record those thoughts, to add them to the vast collection of whisperings sprinting through the ether.

So she sat down and started a new blog. A one about where she was now. About her stories, her thoughts and her wishes.

This is it...