A good life will go on

Wow. How many times have I stared at Blogger and thought: You bad, bad blogger. Sit down now and write something. Anything. For Pete's sake, just do it!

Has there not been anything to write about? No. There has been plenty. Then why not write?

When I started blogging in 2008, it was to deal, in part, with my newly diagnosed (although an old-time companion) depression. Everytime I wrote a post, I saw it as cathartic, therapeutic. And each time I posted it to my blog, I thought to myself, there, I'm a little bit better. The next time I write, I will be happy.

And I tired, on the whole, to keep things upbeat, humorous.

By the time I shut "Midwife Crisis" down, I was convinced that I was no longer in need of anti-depressants, psychiatrists or blogging as cheap therapy.

And so I started this blog, thinking that I would be Wonder Woman, free of Sadness, entertainer of the masses. Hmmm. And I guess the bus stopped there. I wrote less and less, principally because when the time came to write, I would have only sadness to speak of, and I really didn't want that to be the main theme of my blog. So I refrained. And I refrained. And I refrained some more. And basically, the result was that NOTHING happened to my blog. Just empty silence. Charis had, apparently, left the building!

But a part of me wants you to know that I'm still here. That I'm still waking up in the mornings, pushing through the days, and falling, finished, into my bed in the evenings.

And there are good things. Many good things. Creative things. Happy things. Funny things. Beautiful things. Exciting things. I have a good life.

I have a good life.

I have a good life.

And I suffer from depression.

I have a good life and I suffer from depression.

Somehow the one denies the other, but here I am, a physical representation of this mad irony. Good life. Depression. Ouch.

My dear BFF, Sprinkle, is so good about here blogging. Everytime I see a new post up, I cringe, thinking about the wasteland happening here at Chronicles.

But, I am inspired. I will be true to myself. I will not hide the sadness. It is part of who I am. And if you can accept that some days will be good days, and some days will be bad days, and somehow a good life will persevere through it all, then I will continue.

Thanks for listening.

Stormy waters

I see you flailing in the waves.

I can taste your salty fear.

The sky is brooding and heavy with elephantine clouds.

There are yet many more raindrops which will fall and fill these heaving waters.

I hear the splashing and the thrashing. The water fills my ears and my mouth.

I want to reach for you. I want to help you.

We rise and fall on the neverending waves.

Please, don't reach for me.

I am not driftwood.

I fear we shall both drown.

Fortune favours the Ordinary

Yesterday I watched the nimble fingers of a friend as she created a culinary masterpiece. She set about it so non-chalantly and effectively. As she worked we chatted. She didn't skip a beat. Never loosing the conversation thread and never missing a drop - she was inspiring.

As we chatted, I wondered about her life, about the challenges she faces every day. About her trials and her obstacles. The thought occurred to me to dig deeper than discussing diapers and light fittings.

"Are you happy?" I asked. She thought I was referring to her craft and how it was all coming together. After listening to her assess the condition of her creation, listing its various attributes, I interjected.

"No," I said. " I mean about your life - are you happy with your life?"

She thought for a moment. " I guess so. Are you?"

I wasn't really expecting her to throw it back at me, but I considered the implications for a while.

Happiness is a weather phenomenon for me. Somedays are sunny, some are partly cloudy with a chance of thundershowers. So Happiness is not a label I will stitch onto my existence. No. I have been too sad. Too worried. Too stretched. Too tired.

As I considered the question, the word that kept popping up in my mind was Lucky. I am lucky. I am so lucky to share my life with the remarkable people I do. My husband. My girls. My friends. I am lucky to live in the most beautiful city in the world. I love my home. I am lucky to have a space to decorate and fill and change and use. I am lucky to have the chance to focus my attentions on the things that are so vitally important to me. I am lucky to have my health. To have the perspective that is holding my sanity on a steady path. I am lucky to know what it feels like to be lifted from the darkness. I am lucky to have a story.

It's a good thing for me to feel like this. It's been a very long time since I could hold my head up and and smile. It's good to feel lucky. And while the happy feelings come and go with the wind, under it all I know that I am lucky.